If I perish, I perish!
The bosom of the queen must, when she uttered these affecting words, have been rent with diverse emotions. The entreaty of Mordecai, the danger of her people, the benevolence of her own nature, all urged her to venture into the presence of the august yet capricious king. Yet her knowledge of the court rules, her fears for herself, must have withheld her from the daring act. She faced the possible consequences, she prepared herself for the worst. Doubtless she commended herself to the care of Heaven, and, forming the resolve, exclaimed, "If I perish, I perish!" Hearers of the gospel have sometimes been convinced of their sin, and yet have not been able to appropriate to themselves the promises of God's word. They have felt that there is no refuge save in the cross of Christ, and no hope save in the mercy of God. After long, sore conflict, such anguished sufferers, with a faith which is half despair, have been able to cast themselves before the feet of the King, whose displeasure they dread, and in whose mercy they scarcely dare to hope. They have ventured all upon Divine compassion, and the earnestness, the distress, the utter helplessness of their hearts have found utterance in the cry of Esther, "If I perish, I perish!"
I. The cry is the utterance of SINCERITY AND EARNESTNESS. The language is full of feeling, of passion. It was no feeble emotion which could prompt to such a determination. This is the spirit in which a sinner should come into the presence of the King, seeking for pardon.
II. It is the utterance of FELT UNWORTHINESS. And none can come aright unto God save he who comes with the cry of the penitent publican, "God be merciful to me a sinner!"
III. It is the utterance of CONSCIOUS NEED. Nothing but the keenest sense of the necessity of the case could have impelled Esther to the course of action she took. Similar is the motive which brings the sinner to the Lord.
"Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to thy cross I cling."
IV. It is the utterance of MINGLED FEAR AND HOPE. Uncertainty and dread mingled in the queen's mind with some gleam of hope. It is not unnatural that the poor helpless sinner should shrink from the view of a holy God, should scarcely dare to hope for his favour.
V. It is the utterance of A MIND UPON WHICH THE KING WILL HAVE MERCY. As Esther's fears were dispelled by the attitude and language of her consort, so the penitent, lowly, believing, and prayerful suppliant shall never be rejected by a God who delighteth in mercy. The spirit which God will not disdain is that of the lowly suppliant who casts aside every plea save the Divine compassion.
"I have tried, and tried in vain,
Many ways to ease my pain;
Now all other hope is past,
Only this is left at last:
Here before thy cross I lie,
Here I live, or here I die.
"If I perish, be it here,
With the Friend of sinners near;
Lord, it is enough—I know
Never sinner perished so:
Here before thy cross I lie,
Here I cannot, cannot die!"